I have been thinking about the I AM a bunch.
I think the real me is some part deep down inside, perhaps where the Voice comes from. That part of me has no ego, is only good, and is not the part of me I normally think of when I say "me". That part is the ego, the part that wants to be right, that wants to be liked, etc.
I feel like the I AM is the only part of me that is real, that will last, perhaps the only part of me that will live forever? The ego is fleeting, not to mention childish. ;-)
Why does this matter? I think I need to learn that the I AM matters and the ego does not. All thoughts that normally pop into my head are the ego, and a few are I AM. I need to near to care about the Voice and not care about the ego. All of the thoughts that come from the ego, good and bad, do not matter. All things in the normal world do not matter. They only have the value I give them. I do not even understand them! ;-)
Woo hoooo, that feels good!
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Journey without distance ... it's a play on words, like almost anything you try to say using language, since language falls so short of full communication. I digress (muchly).
I have decided to simplify this a little, and let the voice speak for itself, as much as possible.
So I'm going to round out my background by saying there's this voice, and if I sit quietly and ask it questions, it answers.
How or why it got this way, well that's for some other blog (or never).
"What" the voice is ... also perhaps not important. What's important is what I ask it and what it says.
It's not something spooky, by the way. I don't think it's ever talked to me when I didn't think it was just my own idea, or maybe when I asked it a question (recently), but never uninvited. It doesn't feel strange, it feel like "home", like the truth, like the ego-less answer.
What I've noticed recently is that this voice, which has always been there, may not be "me". I put "me" in quotes because I mean the little "me", the ego. The part that wants to get ahead in the world, and to impress people, and to look good. I always thought "I must be smart, because I listen to this voice, and it's always right!".
LOL! LMAO!! (I'm laughing on the inside.)
Now I'm entertaining the idea that "I" am not "me". ;-)
I am, but "me" does not matter.
I'm starting the Course In Miracles work book. I'm on the 3rd day now. There are 365 days in the workbook, one lesson for each day of one year. The book says you don't have to believe, and I don't, so we'll see how it works.
I have decided to simplify this a little, and let the voice speak for itself, as much as possible.
So I'm going to round out my background by saying there's this voice, and if I sit quietly and ask it questions, it answers.
How or why it got this way, well that's for some other blog (or never).
"What" the voice is ... also perhaps not important. What's important is what I ask it and what it says.
It's not something spooky, by the way. I don't think it's ever talked to me when I didn't think it was just my own idea, or maybe when I asked it a question (recently), but never uninvited. It doesn't feel strange, it feel like "home", like the truth, like the ego-less answer.
What I've noticed recently is that this voice, which has always been there, may not be "me". I put "me" in quotes because I mean the little "me", the ego. The part that wants to get ahead in the world, and to impress people, and to look good. I always thought "I must be smart, because I listen to this voice, and it's always right!".
LOL! LMAO!! (I'm laughing on the inside.)
Now I'm entertaining the idea that "I" am not "me". ;-)
I am, but "me" does not matter.
I'm starting the Course In Miracles work book. I'm on the 3rd day now. There are 365 days in the workbook, one lesson for each day of one year. The book says you don't have to believe, and I don't, so we'll see how it works.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
A Journey Begins ... anew
Hi!
I don't know who will read this, or who might care, but I wanted to record the journey I seem to be beginning. I know it will sound funny, but the Voice told me to do it.
First, it seems like some background would be appropriate.
I am about half ways through my life, so one might call this my first true mid-life crisis.
I have a pretty good job, a nice house, a great wife, and two great German Shepherd doggies.
I live in the great Pacific Northwest, where I was born and went to College after 4 years in the Navy.
I did okay in high school, at least in Math and Music (I played the flute). I hated how boring school was, so I was not interested in College. That is, until I spent four years in the Navy and discovered how low the pay is for non-skilled labor. I worked as an Electronics Technician, so I decided to go to College to get an EE degree, which I did.
Most of my life I've been looking for something, though not sure what it was. In high school, I once heard how psychedelics expanded the mind, so I wanted to try them. Sure enough it opened my mind, but it also had some negative side effects (duh!). I found psychedelics to be self-regulating: either I killed myself or I stopped doing it. So I stopped (many years ago now).
In the Navy I met some great friends that helped me look for that something ... I started reading metaphysical books. I read many books, and bought many more, but nothing seemed to answer all my questions. None of them made me believe them.
Some of my friends, even from the earliest days, seemed to find answers, but they were always too easy-sounding to me, particularly when they involved well-established religious institutions.
Segue from the earlier part of my life to the middle part ... I grew up and got married a second time -- this one for good -- and found a career wrangling software. I began to make more and more money, so that I seem to have enough to live my life, but I certainly never struck it rich. My wife and I moved around the country chasing the right job, but it got harder and harder each time we moved to feel at home and make new friends. We started in the Northwest, then a week after getting married we moved to New Jersey, for gosh shakes! Who woulda thunk it!
From NJ, we knew we had to find something better, so I took a job in Research Triangle Park in North Carolina. NC is nice if humid (and lots of bugs), but it wasn't home. So after a few years I got a chance to move to Colorado and I jumped on it. We loved Colorado, made many friends (it took years, but we did it), and I took up Mountain Biking, which I still love dearly. Then everything changed.
First, right around 9/11 (*the* 9/11), my mother died. It was kind of expected, but it was still very hard. (She died of Cancer.) One of my favorite dogs of all time, Captain, died about the same time of Cancer. Then, about a year or two later, I had a serious crash in my Land Rover as a friend and I drove home from Moab to the Denver area. We could have both died (but we were fine, unlike the car). This series of events, together with my wholly unsatisfying job, made me start to question, again, why I was here and what I was doing. Did anything matter? If so, what? Not having children meant that we could not loose ourselves in making their lives better, so I felt adrift. Classic mid-life crisis, I guess.
The final blow to my imaginary feeling of happiness came when we finally got the chance to move back to Oregon. The job turned out to suck, it rained for 40 days in a row (and yes, the nights as well), and I did not get along with my family, which was the main reason for returning. I was very very depressed.
That kind of brings us to now, and here I am!
My wife decided to start bringing the piles of book boxes out of the garage, so that we might get at least one car in there this winter. Lo and behold, all of my meta-physical books are in piles in the living room, and I saw "Journey Without Distance".
And that's where I'll continue next time ...
I don't know who will read this, or who might care, but I wanted to record the journey I seem to be beginning. I know it will sound funny, but the Voice told me to do it.
First, it seems like some background would be appropriate.
I am about half ways through my life, so one might call this my first true mid-life crisis.
I have a pretty good job, a nice house, a great wife, and two great German Shepherd doggies.
I live in the great Pacific Northwest, where I was born and went to College after 4 years in the Navy.
I did okay in high school, at least in Math and Music (I played the flute). I hated how boring school was, so I was not interested in College. That is, until I spent four years in the Navy and discovered how low the pay is for non-skilled labor. I worked as an Electronics Technician, so I decided to go to College to get an EE degree, which I did.
Most of my life I've been looking for something, though not sure what it was. In high school, I once heard how psychedelics expanded the mind, so I wanted to try them. Sure enough it opened my mind, but it also had some negative side effects (duh!). I found psychedelics to be self-regulating: either I killed myself or I stopped doing it. So I stopped (many years ago now).
In the Navy I met some great friends that helped me look for that something ... I started reading metaphysical books. I read many books, and bought many more, but nothing seemed to answer all my questions. None of them made me believe them.
Some of my friends, even from the earliest days, seemed to find answers, but they were always too easy-sounding to me, particularly when they involved well-established religious institutions.
Segue from the earlier part of my life to the middle part ... I grew up and got married a second time -- this one for good -- and found a career wrangling software. I began to make more and more money, so that I seem to have enough to live my life, but I certainly never struck it rich. My wife and I moved around the country chasing the right job, but it got harder and harder each time we moved to feel at home and make new friends. We started in the Northwest, then a week after getting married we moved to New Jersey, for gosh shakes! Who woulda thunk it!
From NJ, we knew we had to find something better, so I took a job in Research Triangle Park in North Carolina. NC is nice if humid (and lots of bugs), but it wasn't home. So after a few years I got a chance to move to Colorado and I jumped on it. We loved Colorado, made many friends (it took years, but we did it), and I took up Mountain Biking, which I still love dearly. Then everything changed.
First, right around 9/11 (*the* 9/11), my mother died. It was kind of expected, but it was still very hard. (She died of Cancer.) One of my favorite dogs of all time, Captain, died about the same time of Cancer. Then, about a year or two later, I had a serious crash in my Land Rover as a friend and I drove home from Moab to the Denver area. We could have both died (but we were fine, unlike the car). This series of events, together with my wholly unsatisfying job, made me start to question, again, why I was here and what I was doing. Did anything matter? If so, what? Not having children meant that we could not loose ourselves in making their lives better, so I felt adrift. Classic mid-life crisis, I guess.
The final blow to my imaginary feeling of happiness came when we finally got the chance to move back to Oregon. The job turned out to suck, it rained for 40 days in a row (and yes, the nights as well), and I did not get along with my family, which was the main reason for returning. I was very very depressed.
That kind of brings us to now, and here I am!
My wife decided to start bringing the piles of book boxes out of the garage, so that we might get at least one car in there this winter. Lo and behold, all of my meta-physical books are in piles in the living room, and I saw "Journey Without Distance".
And that's where I'll continue next time ...
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